Also, Taylor Swift. Girl, I will not get over how sweet and honest and candid you seem. But really, I’ve raved over you too much before. Just don’t let it go to your head, dear, and please keep the hits coming for the next few decades. Don’t you dare retire before I get old and lose my hearing.

As for Beyonce. She is so much.

B, why the crotch grab? Girl. Your voice is so good, you could freakin’ stand still and we’d watch. You DO bring it. And I don’t get it. How you do those high notes so clear and so good? And thank you, beautiful girl, for being curvy and awesome. Mary Lou Retton, and I, and every girl who’s got drumstick legs, thank the heck out of you for making us look yummy.

And you’re covering Annoying Alanis? BRING IT. A, I love you too, but after the movie “The Breakup” you were not going to get any love for that song from the mens. Now come out and release a new album, girl. But do me a favor and do not ever, ever, ever cover Cole Porter ever again because I still haven’t recovered from the Cole Porter cover you did on the “De-lovely” soundtrack. Robbie Williams has the voice for jazz standards. You should have let him do your track for you.

B, I love the hair toss like anybody else, but srsly you’re gonna break your neck one of these days, or the extensions will come out from sheer gravitational pull. Take it easy.


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